Pushing Pause Read online

“So what high school do you go to, then?”

  “I’m out of school.”

  “You dropped out?”

  “Do I look like I dropped out?” he asked.

  Before I could answer, we looked over ’cause we heard my grandmother’s screen door close, but whoever it was only stepped out for a second, ’cause there was nobody there now.

  “Um, I guess I better go now.”

  “Back to Virginia?” he asked.

  “No, not yet, I gotta find Jade first.”

  “She might be at Freeman.”

  I got up and took a few steps, then stopped and turned to him. He stood up and walked over to me. We stood there looking at each other, kinda smiling. “Thanks, for everything, see ya,” I said, then kinda waited around for…I don’t know what.

  He leaned down and kissed me gently. “Later.”

  I swear, his lips were so soft and gentle. It was like he barely touched me. Definitely nothing like LaVon, he was always trying to grab me and pull my shirt off.

  So after we kissed, I backed up and walked through the gates and saw my grandmother standing on the porch. I looked up at her, knowing that she must have just seen me and lawn mower guy kiss. “Hi, Grandmom,” I said.

  “Hello, Kenisha, are you back?” she asked.

  “I don’t know yet.” She nodded. “I’m looking for Jade.”

  “She’s at…”

  “Yeah, yes, I know, I’m going there now.”

  “Why don’t you come inside and get something to eat first. You look dead on your feet.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “That wasn’t a request, Kenisha, come on in here and eat something and clean yourself up. I’m not having my grandchild walking around looking like she’s half-starved.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  I went inside expecting to see the place packed. Nobody was there except me and her. I sat down at the kitchen table and she pulled out all this food and started heating it up. Twenty-five minutes later, I ate almost everything, not realizing that I was that hungry.

  “He’s a nice young man,” she said finally.

  I knew who she was talking about, of course. “I’m not interested. My boyfriend is headed for the NBA. He’s about to make a lot of money and…”

  “Lord, you’re just like your mother. But you need to learn from her mistakes.”

  “What mistakes?”

  “Having money isn’t having worth. Just because some people live in a big fancy home in a real nice neighborhood don’t make them good people. They’re just people with things. Worth comes from inside, from love. You need to love and accept yourself first and foremost.”

  “But everybody loves themselves, right?”

  “No, some don’t. Some people live their whole life searching for someone to love and someone to love them and never realize that it’s right there inside of them.”

  “Do you think that was why Mom took the pills?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “She was sad, wasn’t she?”

  “Yes, for a long time, a very long time,” she said, staring out across the room like there was somebody else there with us. “Family comes to family for healing, remember that.”

  I had no idea what she was talking about, but I nodded anyway. After that I went to my room, took a shower and changed clothes. I packed a small bag, then got ready to leave. My grandmother was sitting on the front porch when I stepped outside. “You gonna be okay?” I asked her.

  “I’ll be fine, go do what you have to do. You know where home is.”

  I nodded, then walked the four or five blocks to Freeman, and as soon as I walked up I saw Jade’s car parked out front. I went inside looking around for her.

  “Kenisha, is that you?”

  “Hi, Ms. Jay,” I said, stepping back to peek into her office. I really wasn’t in the mood to deal with anyone, but whatever.

  “Hi, Kenisha,” she said, sitting at her desk, “I didn’t expect to see you here today.”

  “Is Jade here?”

  “She’s upstairs in the back studio. Go on up.”

  “Thanks,” I said quickly.

  “Kenisha, baby, I’m real sorry to hear about your mother. She was a good woman, really nice.”

  I nodded. I still had no idea what I was supposed to say. I went up to the private studios on the top floor and found Jade. I expected her to be dancing or something, but she wasn’t. She was in there just standing at the window, looking outside. I opened the door and went inside. She looked up.

  “Whatever it is, I don’t want to hear it,” she said before I even opened my mouth.

  “Jade, I didn’t come here to argue or fight…”

  “Good, then you can leave.”

  “I just want to talk.”

  “I’m not in the mood for what you want, Kenisha.”

  “I just want to talk.”

  “Just leave me alone.”

  “Jade…”

  “Fine, then I’ll leave, as usual.”

  She started walking by me, so I grabbed her arm again and she snatched away hard, nearly knocking me down. “Are we gonna do this again?”

  “No, please, just talk to me, please.”

  “What, what do you want now? What do I have that you want? You have everything and still you want more. What is your problem?”

  “Jade…”

  “I told you I didn’t want to talk, but of course it doesn’t matter what I want, it never did, ’cause it’s always all about you. I’m sick of it and I’m sick of you.”

  So of course I just stood there, saying nothing. Then I finally found my voice and spoke. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I never did anything to you. You’re just hateful and mean.”

  “Me, hateful and mean. Look who’s talking.”

  “You have something to say, Jade, just say it.”

  “Your spoiled ass took her away.”

  “I took who away?”

  “My mother!” she yelled.

  “How did I take your mother? Hannah Mae died when I was a kid, I don’t even remember her.”

  “Hannah Mae wasn’t my mother, Barbra was. Yeah, that’s right, she was my mother, too, okay, got that?”

  My mouth dropped and stayed open a long time, then the air around me started to leave and the room was getting hot. “What do you mean your mother, too, what are you talking about? Your mother was Hannah Mae.”

  “Hannah Mae was our aunt and she never had kids.”

  “She had you.”

  “What are you, completely stupid or something? Barbra was my mother, fool. She had me three years before she had you.”

  “How is that possible?”

  “After hearing you and your boyfriend in your bedroom last time, I would think you could figure out how it was possible.”

  “That’s not what I mean, how is it that I didn’t know?”

  “You knew, I don’t know why you’re frontin’,” she said accusingly.

  “I did not. How was I supposed to know something like that? Nobody ever said anything to me.”

  “You knew, then James told you different.”

  “My dad?”

  “Yeah, you remember we played together before when we were kids? Mom would come over and get me at Grandmom’s house and we’d all hang out together. Then you told your father that I got a stupid doll and you didn’t and that was the end of everything.”

  “What?” I said, completely crestfallen.

  “Don’t act like you didn’t know.”

  I wasn’t acting, seriously, my mind was completely gone. I had no idea what she was talking about. “I didn’t know, I swear, I don’t remember.”

  “You’re just like your father, a selfish, conceited liar. The world centers around you, and everybody does exactly what you want. You walk around here all day like you’re some kind of princess, a diva or something. Talking about ‘I wanna go home, I wanna go home,’ whining like a spoiled brat, you couldn’t even see that all this was
killing her. She hated her life and you were just too blinded by your own selfishness to even notice.”

  After that, she left. I stayed.

  I swear my head was spinning in circles, thinking about what Jade had just told me about my mom, our mom. Then I started thinking that maybe she’d just lost her mind or maybe she was just messing with me and lying. But something inside told me she was telling the truth.

  So the first thing I did was call my grandmother but there was no answer. Then I tried calling my dad, but he wasn’t in the office. I headed back to my grandmother’s house and she was out in the garden.

  “Grandmom.” She looked up from her planting. “Is Jade my sister?”

  “She told you?”

  “Yes. It’s true, then.”

  “Good, it’s about time.”

  “How come I didn’t know? Why didn’t anybody tell me?”

  “Your father insisted that your mother tell you that Jade was your cousin. Then he forbid her from having you two together.”

  “Why? It doesn’t make any sense.”

  “That, you’re gonna have to ask him. But for right now, you need to settle this with Jade.”

  “How? She hates me.”

  “She doesn’t hate you. She’s hurt, that’s all.”

  “Same thing,” I said.

  “She’s family, she’s your sister.”

  “As if it wasn’t hard enough before, what am I supposed to do now, about Jade, about my dad? I know I can’t be mad at her when she’s dead.”

  “Yes, you can, you can be very mad.”

  “So how do you do it, how do you feel better? I don’t understand, Grandmom, why did she have to die? I keep thinking that if I was better, stopped complaining, then maybe she would still be alive. I killed her.”

  “No, stop. Stop it right there. There is no blame and no guilt here. My baby died the way God planned. Nothing could have changed that. She was in our lives for a while, but it was her time to go.”

  “I didn’t know it was the last time I would talk to her. I don’t even remember what we talked about. I keep trying to remember, but I can’t. I was so mad at her, but now I don’t really remember why. But I know it was my fault she died. If we hadn’t argued.”

  “Is that what you think, that it was your fault?”

  “I know it was.”

  “No, baby, none of this is your fault.”

  “I gotta go,” I said, then started walking.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Home.”

  I got half a block away, then stopped. So how was I supposed to face Jade? No wonder she hated my guts. My dad ruined her life, I ruined her life.

  That was it, enough of this.

  CHAPTER 19

  Betrayal

  “Trust is a hell of a thing to lose and once it’s been betrayed, getting it back is close to impossible. Yeah, I fronted on people, I shoveled my bullshit, but stepping over the line is just plain wrong.”

  —myspace.com

  “Damn, Kenisha, what, what’s wrong now?” LaVon asked.

  “Nothing, I’m fine, I want to do this, really. But I’m just…” I shrugged and looked up into his eyes and wondered what was behind them, love? “Umm, I’m just nervous.”

  “I’ll take care of you, always, you know that. It’s you and me, right, just like we planned,” he said soothingly.

  “Do you love me, LaVon, I mean, really love me?”

  “You know I do, shorty,” he said, but the sentiment never seemed to reach his eyes. They glowed strong with hunger and want and desire and affection, but not with love.

  “And all those other girls…” I began.

  “What other girls?” he asked, kissing my neck.

  “The ones you kept talking about, the ones that are lined up around the corner wanting you.”

  “I was joking, you’re the only one for me, you know that. I would never betray you, Kenisha, never.”

  I smiled as I saw the earnestness in his eyes. “That was all I wanted to hear.” We kissed and it was for real. It was nice and I started to forget all that other stuff. I was safe and loved and nobody, no little white pills, no Courtney, no nothing, was gonna take this away from me.

  “Relax, remember, I’ll take care of everything.”

  “Do you have condoms?”

  “We don’t need them. It’s your first time.”

  “Do you have condoms, LaVon?”

  “Yeah, I got ’em, relax, okay.”

  “Yeah, okay. But can you get me a glass of water before we do it?” I asked, leaning away from him.

  He rolled his eyes to the ceiling. “And that’s it, right, we gonna do this, right?” I nodded. “A’ight, wait here, I’ll be right back.” He got up off the bed and grabbed his shirt up. As soon as he pulled it over his head, his phone rang.

  “You gonna get that?” I asked.

  “Nah, let it ring. I never pick up when I about to get busy.”

  The phone kept ringing and LaVon walked out. After a couple more rings the machine picked up. “Yo, this is LaVon, holler.”

  “LaVon, it’s Chili, you better call me back. I’m tired of your bullshit. I told you I’m pregnant and it’s yours and you know it. Now, you need to step up, I can’t keep avoiding Kenisha’s calls. You need to be a man and tell her, ’cause I’m not getting rid of this one like last time. I’m on my way over so you better be your ass home ’cause we need to talk now.” It was obvious that she was excited and angry, but her words were crystal clear this time as she slammed the phone down.

  I sat there, stunned. I swear I couldn’t believe what I’d just heard, LaVon, my boyfriend, and Chili, my girl. Even rolling the names around in my head sounded strange. Then questions started pouring in. Where was I when all this was going on? Who else knew about them? When did this start? What she mean that she wasn’t getting rid of this one like last time? Was Chili pregnant by LaVon before? That was how LaVon found me when he walked back in with a huge glass of water.

  “A’ight, here’s your water, let’s do this.” He put the glass down on the dresser, slapped his hands together, licked his lips, then walked over to the bed where I was still sitting. “What’s wrong with you now?” he asked, seeing the expression on my face, I guess.

  “What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with everybody? Can’t anybody tell me the truth?”

  “What?” he asked.

  “You should answer your phone sometimes, LaVon.”

  “Why?”

  “It was Chili, she’s on her way over here now.”

  “Ahh, shit, man, that skank is crazy, acting like I owe her something, like she own me. She’s whacked. Don’t listen to her, she’s…hey, where you going, girl?” he asked, obviously surprised for some reason by my standing and leaving.

  “I told you, you have company coming,” I said.

  “Come on, baby, she don’t mean nothing to me, you know I love you, Kenisha. She was just putting out. You know what I mean, a man has needs and you wasn’t supplying.”

  I chuckled. Of all the people who’d professed to love me in the past few weeks, his was by far the weakest. “Yeah, baby, I know you do, but you needs to get your business straight,” I said as I walked past him.

  “Aw, see, you wrong. We supposed to be doing this…”

  I swung around to him. “Wait a minute, I’m wrong? One of my so-called best friends is on her way over to talk to you about your baby together and I’m wrong?”

  “I told you, it ain’t even about that, she’s whacked. You know Chili, she’ll sleep with anybody.”

  “Yeah, apparently.” I turned and kept walking.

  “I bet it ain’t even mine,” he said, following me down the stairs.

  “You see, that was the point, LaVon, the possibility that it could be yours is the point of all this.”

  “What?”

  “See ya.” I went to the door just as the bell rang.

  “Wait a minute,” he said. I didn’t. I grabbed the
knob and swung the front door open wide. I must have stunned Chili, ’cause she just about jumped out of her skin. She looked up, then smiled, then panicked.

  “Oh, shit, Kenisha, girl, I can explain, it’s not what you think, I swear, I mean…” LaVon was still whining and begging behind me.

  “Hey, girl,” I said, playing off like I didn’t know anything, “what are you doing here?” I asked.

  Chili looked at me, then at LaVon standing behind me.

  “Hey, girl,” she said. “I thought I saw you coming in here. How you doing? I’ve been trying to find you for a couple of days.”

  “Really?” I said, looking at her, knowing she was lying.

  “What,” she asked, “you don’t believe me?”

  “I heard your message, Chili,” I said, walking past her.

  “Kenisha, it’s not what you think…” she started.

  “Kenisha, wait, wait, girl,” LaVon called after me, brushing past Chili to catch up with me. “Wait a minute, girl. I was going to tell you, honest, but I thought your girls told you already and that you was cool with it.”

  “What, what girls?”

  “Diamond and Jalisa knew.”

  “They knew,” I said.

  “They both knew?” Chili asked.

  “Yeah, what, they ain’t tell you, you need to step up to them, they was wrong for not saying anything.”

  “Shut up, don’t even think about trying to turn this around on somebody else, you were wrong and you know it.”

  “But, but, but…”

  I whipped around. “But what, LaVon, but what? Tell me, no, let me guess, you forgot, no, you were gonna call me, no, how about this one, you weren’t man enough?”

  “Look, it’s not like, we wasn’t all that tight anyway. You was holding out, so…”

  “How could you do this to me, to us?”

  “It ain’t mean nothing, baby, believe me.”

  “Excuse me,” Chili said indignantly, “what do you mean it ain’t mean nothing?”

  “See what I’m telling you, she whacked, it ain’t even my baby. She was screwing, like, four other guys.”

  “It’s your baby, asshole. I’m three months’ pregnant and it’s yours and you know it. It was the night a few weeks before my sixteenth birthday party,” she said, stepping up quickly to him.

  “Shut up, ain’t nobody talking to you and if you think you riding me to the NBA, you’re crazy…” he said.